Growing

So how do you know when you are suppose to get out of a situation? Or maybe even a friendship? This weekend has put me into situations that I don't really like, but things that I have to deal with.

Saturday for instance was my Camp interview. Well I got up at nine and was so excited and I was just really ready to see how the day went! Well my friend had told me to call her in the morning when I woke up. Well so I did. I called and talked to her mom a few minutes, until her mom went to wake her up. And well she wasn't there. So her mom starts freaking out. And I'm just like I don't know what in the heck to do. So I just sit and wait, and pray. Because thats all I can do. Well then I started to go get ready, and during this whole time I was getting ready I was thinking about things. I've told this girl about God. I've been the "holy" example as some of you like to say. But sometimes it feels like I'm getting so close and then its like BAM Just kidding. And its so frustrating. And all day I couldn't stop thinking about how selfish she was to sneak out and run away for a day from her parents. I'm sure they just felt helpless. I know I did. Here I was at my house, getting ready to leave for my interview and My best friend is missing. I mean what do you do about that. But then I started thinking. Wow She called me and She KNEW I had my interview. Not only was she stressing her family out, She was putting strain on me. I'm not meaning to sound selfish but I would never do that to anyone. I don't know. I mean I put a lot into that friendship and sometimes it just feels like I'm getting nothing out of it. I mean shes my best friend and I love her dearly, but I don't know. Its pulling me down a bit too. And I know friends are there. But I can only push so much. Ya know?

And then there is some other things that are going on. I just don't get it. I'm being pushed out again. I hate this feeling. Because yet again, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

I guess I'm learning to grasp opportunities that are out there now. I'm learning that sometimes I need to think of myself first. I guess I just don't really know when to put others in front of me or not. Because I mean I want to. But sometimes it just feels like I need to give up.

When you feel as though you have outgrown something do you just stop participating? Or do you keep going and pretend to be happy?

I Feel [Broken.]

I hate that feeling. When you just feel like you are in a million little pieces laying on the ground. It hurts. I know I'll be okay. Because well my hope is in God. But How can I protect my heart? I don't wanna shut others out.

But I don't wanna feel like this either. :(

My Amazing Hero.

I can remember when I was little and I was like My Hero is Spiderman, Okay so maybe not spiderman but you get the point.

Running on three hours of sleep I started thinking about some things. And I was typing a scholarship paper. And the topic was name one person who has made a significant difference in your life. I was having a hard time thinking about who to write about. So I ended up just getting on the computer and looking around. So as I was just checking my mail and wasting time til I had to write this, I went to Andrew's Caring Bridge Site.

I read the new Journal Entry and it occurred to me.

This sweet and innocent Child is my hero.

Most of you know that I have problems just letting go and letting God's will be done. But today the journal entry just got me.

If only I could have faith like this Child. The hardships he goes through, the pain he deals with, and the frustration he perseveres through. It all amazes me. He still has full faith in God. He KNOWS that God will take care of him.

So when I write my paper today, I'm not going to write about Ghandi or George Bush. I'm going to write about this amazing nine year old I know. So Andrew this blog is for you kid, you are my true hero. :)

Jealousy

Jealousy, Ugh What an ugly Word.

I know as Christians we aren't suppose to be jealous. But dang it! It's so hard not to be. I don't want to be jealous. But I don't really know how to overcome it.

Suggestions are very welcome.

Church Camp

Guess what! I got my phone call for my Interview for Church Camp! Its March 29th! Definitely Keep my in your prayers! :)

Speaking my Mind.

So I have yet another problem that needs counseling. That would be why I am posting. :)

So in the past I've talked about forgiveness and forgiving people. Okay so the story is...

I was in a class the other day. And as I was putting away my books I heard people behind me arguing. So obviously I turn around and see whats going on. So as I turn around I figure out what they are yelling about. So they were fighting about a pencil. Me not thinking it was that serious. Turns around and says yes, that is his pencil. Honestly I said it Very Calm and gentle. And the person who disagreed about the pencil started screaming at me. So I was just like well there isn't a need for you to yell at me. And she then continued to anyways.

So I know times like these are going to come. But this girl was one of my best friends. And now she is mad at me for saying that it was in fact the other kids pencil. We aren't speaking over a Stupid Pencil? Thats pretty dumb if you ask me.
The problem is that I forgive her for yelling at me. Because yes people have their moments. But I think she thinks she isn't at fault. Which maybe there is a part of the picture I am completely missing. But The thing that Bothers me the most about this is that the rest of yesterday and today all she did was talk about me. Obviously not nice things. I mean really. All of this over a pencil Ridiculous right? I think so!

So I guess what I'm asking is, what am I suppose to do now. I mean am I suppose to just sit there and let her talk about me to everyone. I know that what comes out of mouths is very hurtful and we shouldn't speak like that. I don't plan on getting back at her or anything, but what am I suppose to do. Just sit there and take it?

Texting.

So it seems my texting habit has rolled up yet another phone bill. Not mine but a friends :( So they can't use their's for a month :( Sorry Spencer!

As Becky told me earlier(via text message)-- "I'd hate for you to losing texting for a month! You would have to be medicated!" I then replied to her with " No I would probably have to be in an institution." lol Sadly this is probably true.

By the way Becky, I did not get caught and I usually don't! So thats good news for me! :) ha!

Major Changes

Major Changes as in my College Major. I've already changed like four times and I'm not even registered yet! ha! This Could be rather interesting.

So about this Major! :) So as many of you guys know I planned on majoring in Social Work. Well I'm not totally going away from Social Work :) I'm still interested in that field. But its going to be much Broader now.

After a lot of prayer, and talking with some people, I've decided to major in Religious Studies. Random, Yes? But It feels really right. And you know I might change again. Who knows, And if I do It will be okay.

Why am I changing my major to Religious Studies? Good Question. Ministry is the answer. But what type is the REAL Question. I could see myself doing Children's ministry. I LOVE kids, but I don't think that is where God wants me. In the past month or so I've been pulled toward something. And I've really prayed Hard about it. And I've asked a couple people to pray about it too. And it all pointed to the same thing. Missionary Work.

God Has pulled me through a lot of turns and hills in the past year and a half. He has continued to provider for me and I have full faith that he will continue his work through me. I know God has plans for me, and honestly I'm just going with my feelings, and my listening skills. Although the road is kinda musty I'm positive God will show me the way.

So I guess what I'm asking for, is lots of prayer. I need you guys to pray for me, and help me figure out what is going on. lol I love you guys :)

Forgiveness

Keep Reading! There is a point for this blog! I promise! :)

Five Things About Me You Might Not Know!

1. I don't have a middle name.
2. I have Asthma.
3. I enjoy spelling :) <--I think that makes me a nerd!
4. I was born in Kansas City, Missouri
5. I like making lists like these. :)

Four Books I enjoy reading!

1. The Bible (I don't read it as much as I should though...I know tsk tsk..)
2. Night
3. A Million Little Pieces
4. Chronicles of Narnia

Three Favorite Classes in School..(and why I love them)

1. Biblical Literature--Although I didn't enjoy some of the people, I still enjoyed the biblical discussion. This class was a crucial step in my Christian Walk.
2. Anatomy--Who doesn't want to Dissect a cat? I think the reason I like this class so much is because its challenging but its something I actually want to learn.
3. French--I LOVED my French Class. This class was just a lot of fun. We were super interactive and of course I love it because we went to France! :) hah!

My Two Favorite Places to be.

1. The Memorial--Of course at night. Idk, sometimes it feels like its a place I can run to when I need to think about things.
2. Green Lake--Oh how I love this place. My week there was amazing. Seth I don't know how you left. Its truly just a place where you can get away and just truly seek out God, especially in nature. I love This place.

One thing I need to work on....

Well there is a plethora of things I need to work on. But I think the one thing that I should work on the most is forgiving people. I mean seriously what right do I have to not forgive someone, when God sent his only Son to die for us. He forgave us of all our sins. And for that I am truly thankful.

hmmm :)

So I've cooled down since the last post. And I'm realizing things. As I was talkin to a pretty good friend of mine today, she made the comment of sorry that had to happen to you. And as she told me this the song There is a Reason by Caedmon's Call came on through Itunes. And honestly it all started to make sense.

If you haven't heard the song, you need to listen to it.(if it wasn't for Lauren I wouldn't have downloaded it :) Thanks Lauren!) So as I was talking to my friend I began to again realize that Everything obviously happens for a reason. And I don't know why or how I didn't see it! God was pushing it RIGHT in my face!

And then it hit me! For the past few weeks, I've been pretty much running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Just being super stressed and everything. And So i just didn't know what to do. We are pretty much in the process of switching our youth group name to [Pause.]--> i love the brackets :) But anyways. It says that we need to Pause in our lives and remember that God will provide, And we need to always have time for God. Well then There is all this drama going down. And of course there are other things too. We need to withdraw and pray!

A friend of mine is kinda scaring me. Something is definitely not right. Not with our friendship but with something they are struggling with. And Tonight I finally talked to someone about it.

Then here is the BIG finale. This morning in FCA we talked about God gave us soo much! He gave us light, grass, LIFE, and not too mention Jesus Christ our Savior!--> pretty big deal if you ask me! It finally hit me! DUH! I've been so distracted lately that I haven't been giving back to God. I haven't been setting a good Christian example to my fellow Christians(and non-christians) at my school and even my church. I've been to caught up in my own issues that I forgot my whole purpose of life. To Glorify God.

I can't believe that all this time I haven't been able to see the big sign that says Hey Choose me! He wants us to seek him, bring people to him, and show him in our lives. I haven't been the best example lately. I'm not perfect in any way. But I'm going to try to be more Christ Like and stop getting so caught up in things. And if I do, please someone remind me of this post.

Facing Confliction

Disclaimer: So I've been stressed. And today something just pushed me a bit over the edge so In order to calm myself I wrote something down in my notebook. So I thought I would post it.

So as a Christian what am I suppose to do when someone backs me into a corner? When they accuse me of something I clearly I did not do. Or yell at me for something I didn't say. What am I to do in that moment of mass hysteria. Why am I intimidated? Yes, I'm human, I know this. I know God will provide for me, but what am I suppose to do right now? Being Patient is not something that I am good at. I know I need to work on that, because its a definite fault of mine. But right now my load is heavy and my legs are weary. And I'm almost sure to fall fast...and soon.

Conflicts are not my thing. (Although I'm a very outspoken person.) I know where my lines lay. Yes I like to argue something that I truly believe in, but thats different. I would never speak to break down friendships of others.( This I was accused of) If You ask me what I think, I'm more than likely going to tell you. Thats just the type of person I am. Sure I can sugar coat it sometimes. But I guess I'll have to stop that.

I don't really know about a lot of things. But I know this. People push others around for mere pleasure. And honestly it makes me sick. People obviously think its funny when others break down and cry and just plain Crash.

Sometimes I come off as a person who doesn't care. But I don't think I would ever be able to seriously degrade someone the way that I was degraded today. The fact that people can just be so mean hurts. I just don't get it.